A Little Gray Cloud


Now that I'm out in the open with Depression, many people have asked me what it feels like. Unless you have experienced it first hand or know someone close to you, I know it is difficult to comprehend. I am no expert in Depression. I am no professional councilor or doctor. However, I am an expert in my experience...Perhaps you can relate to some of what I am saying.

There is a gray cloud. It isn't necessarily over my head all the time, but it is always in my periphery. I am afraid of it. I am afraid of it parking over my head for another year. If I feel tired one day and take a nap...I always think the sever depressive episode is coming back... when actually I was just getting sick. 

I do everything in my power to keep the gray cloud away. There are some things I do that help blow it away from my head. Yoga. Practicing Yoga. Teaching Yoga. Sharing Yoga. Skiing on a sunny day finishing with beers on the deck and soaking in the sun. Talking therapy. Eating healthy. Medication. My body/brain needs medication , it isn't for everyone but it is for me. Listening to myself and being an advocate for my self. This one is kind of new for me. There are so many "should's" and "could's" out there. Especially being a mom and taking care of everyday life. I should do laundry, I should grocery shop now, I should play barbies with them, I should play some make up game where the rules keep changing every minute.... I should, I could, I should, I could, I should, I could. Yes. There are many things that should and could be done...but also, could it wait? Should you take care of yourself and do something you might want to do?  I look for opportunities to do these things that make me feel better..i.e., keep the gray cloud to the side.

Maybe you are thinking, geeze, that is a lot of fear over a little gray cloud. Or maybe you are thinking, everyone gets sad and takes naps sometimes. For me, this Gray Cloud represents a year or two of darkness.  A year or two of trying not to cry at every single interaction I have with another human being. A year or two of waking up everyday with no hope or lightness. A year or two of not wanting to breathe.  

I read this quote once, and I wish I could remember where I saw it or who said it, "Having cancer you are fighting for your life, you fight to live. When you have depression you are fighting not to die."

If you have a gray cloud over your head right now, and it seems like its been there forever, PLEASE know that is doesn't have to stay there. It can blow away or at least in my case, it can blow to the side so you can let a little light in. You may even need to buy some sunglasses.